Lent...in my pocket

(warning...internal struggle exposed)

Ash Wednesday represents the beginning of the Lenten season-the 40 day period before Easter. The tradition, and I'm highly paraphrasing here, usually goes hand in hand with giving some "thing" up that you love for this 40 day time period in hopes that you will come to some self-realization of how much you are dependent on that one "thing" and hopefully turn to God to fill this need. At least that is how I see it on the surface.

Honestly, it never works for me.

The one thing I love the most, myself, is what I should give up. But I just can't quit me. Don't know how and don't know if I want to. That is the reality.

I've become so self perserving to the point where I've come face to face with what it means to follow Jesus whole heartedly and I'm stuck, unable to fully move forward in discipleship. Why?

"Because birds of the air have nests...and the Son of Man has no place to lay His head"- Jesus
I am obsessed with comforts that this life provides. I want somewhere to lay my head.
I go to any length to stabilize the scales of balance in my life. That is my addiction.

"No one, with hand to the plow, looking back is fit for the Kingdom of God."- Jesus
I can't quite kill my old self. I think one of the hardest things for me is making sense of my past. I want to figure it all out, instead of leaving it behind and pressing forward, I lug it like luggage behind me, unable to let it go.

This year, may be the year. I want to give up myself for lent. I want to give up my need to preserve self and let go of the past that I lug behind me. My prayer is that I can enter in to this discipleship of Jesus with a heart that is open and willing to listen and obey.

So I come with nothing but my baggage in to this Lenten season. I literally have nothing to bring but the lent in my pockets. Paul urges us to be living sacrifices to God, that is scary for me. It's scary to lay on the alter and let God have His way in me. If I can do it for 40 days, maybe God's grace will keep me there the rest of my life....